And the 7 weeks were over in a flash.

It's undeniable that i've changed. I'm more concerned about how i've changed inside though. Somehow or rather I feel i haven't exactly become a better person. Perhaps stronger, more resillient and daring to stand up for myself, but sometimes, in doing so, i forget the one whom i have been called to represent. And i let the words slip, the mind run wild and i lose control. I ask myself, have i been a testimony to my bunk-mates. Perhaps. Then again, the things i've done in there to survive.. 8 weeks ago i would have looked down upon my future self and frowned. Integrity is all about what you'd do when nobody's watching isn't it? Something I certainly haven't been practising at all. It's tiring when the attitudes and characters around you fuel the wrong masculine instincts in you. Taught to be aggressive, forced to make a stand for yourself.. tempted everyday to look down upon the unfortunate and smirk.

I need to come back to God.. need to re-learn how to be a nice person. Suddenly i feel my EQ went down a few points. Somehow the retreat wasn't as fun as i anticipated. Honestly, I felt unmotivated to have fun.. is there even such a feeling? how to ironies of life grip you so tenaciously sometimes. And yet.. I think i can be rather hard to read. At moments i feel like i can't do without certain people, yet sometimes i just wanna be alone.

I don't understand. Something's wrong, something's missing.
A day at the beach with God would probably do me some good. That's what pastor said too...